There is a place we all go when we close our eyes. Something that keeps us thinking at night. It’s like our mind never goes dormant and always has something to say about our lives. We love our dreams, they give us hope and courage to face anything and to achieve what we wish. But then again we have nightmares. Our fear and anxiety all put into one short film that you’re forced to watch. These are real ideas and thoughts that are put together to create a realm you walk into. You’re a visitor.
It is only when we wake up that we remember the oddity of our dreams. The strangeness of it will echo through your mind and create a thought. Like a light in the vast darkness that envelops your mind.
That luminous pebble that fills up your gravel yard with other memories. They all shine with different intensity, with different colors and with different shape. And as you walk on it, every stone shapes your feet, you remember how it feels like. The soft round edges, the sharp and pointy corners and the unrefined surfaces of many different rocks that reminds you of what you lived.
It is hard to forget something you lay feet on. Every good or bad memory is what you stand on and holds you all together. But that does not mean they have to define you. Every moment you shared, everything you’ve lived and experienced is the proof that you had to make choices in your life to be here today. But what do you make of it?
All of these stones laying out as a field in front of you. Some are scalding, some are icy and we never really know what to make out of it.
This field of memory has a weather of its own. It can be sunny, cloudy, windy and rainy… You just have to be careful to disastrous weathers. That’s when your ground starts to shake and pebbles go flying all around. It is literally chaos in your mind. You chase after the moments you care about and try to hold on to them.
Dangerous it is to wander around unstable grounds. These scarred fields are what can demolish your entire perspective of yourself. All the sins that cannot be atoned for through the daily deeds of your life. All the damages that will mark you for eternity. And the irrepressible guilt that flows through your veins as you gaze at the storm of your recollection. One can only comprehend what lies before him with open eyes.
“Would I let this chaos devour me? Would I let everything I lived for be fragmented for this madness? Will I have the strength to rise again?”
“… Only one way to know for sure.”
I live for this insanity… Because it is who I am.